Offering Couples Counseling in:
-Denver, Colorado
-Charleston, South Carolina
-Scottsdale, Arizona
-St. Thomas/St. Croix USVI
Do you feel disconnected from your partner? Do your emotions often dictate your reaction to them? Do you wish you had the techniques to harness your emotions and work through conflict in order to build greater intimacy with you partner?
If you answered yes to any of the above, I encourage you to explore Emotion-Focused Therapy or EFT.
EFT is a research based attachment model of therapy that helps couples build greater intimacy, greater understanding of themselves and their partner, and greater connection.
When I begin working with couples, they often describe feeling "stuck" in an area of areas of their relationship where they feel a divide between them. It has become difficult to feel able to talk about certain needs within their relationship without it feeling like someone is walking on eggshells, or someone is on guard, or someone shutdowns and pulls away. Over time, these behaviors can create distance in a relationship or create conflict and create walls.
EFT helps individuals/couples to:
- Become more aware of their emotions and needs in their relationship as well as their partners.
- Become more aware of their "conflict cycle" and able to interrupt it with their partner
- Understand their needs and their partner's needs for greater security in the relationship
- Be able to experience more vulnerable emotions with their partner to build greater intimacy
- Be able to repair from conflict
EFT is an approach that I find, in my practice, couples typically respond well to as there is no "bad guy". I hear from couples coming into therapy that often there is a fear that I will take sides or that one person will be at fault. EFT looks at, what we call, the "cycle" that has been created between partners that has lead to disconnect or repetitive conflict.
As an EFT therapist, I begin by understanding your history as a couple and as individuals. I build understanding on what "suitcases" you each brought into the relationship that might be getting "unpacked" with your current partner in a way that is not helpful to either party. I explore with you what behaviors are happening in your relationship that create a disconnect.
As we build understanding of what the "cycle" looks like on the outside, we move to understanding what is happening below the surface. What are the more vulnerable feelings you might be too scared to voice that show up in "walls" or anger? What are your needs in the relationship to feel more secure with your partner? What are your insecurities that can get unintentionally "poked" by your partner that come out in defenses or reactive emotions?
As we start to create greater understanding of what is happening between you, together, you can start to slow down in disconnect or conflict. You find that you might be able to recognize the cycle when it starts and stop it sooner. You find that you might understand, more deeply, what is happening sooner with your partner or yourself and be able to change the course of the conversation.
EFT is also an evidenced based therapy approach to work with couples in which there has been a betrayal or attachment inury such as infidelity, prolonged substance misuse, financial betrayal, or repetitive "papercuts" that have lead to cumulative mistrust by a partner in the relationship. In utilizing EFT in these instances, it is the same approach as above with a bit more nuanced approach. Not only do we work to understand the "cycle", but we also explore the nature of the injury or injuries. I work with you to help talk through painful parts of your experience in the relationship as a couple while staying away from judgement and working to lessen the shame that can come up in these hard conversations. EFT can help couples heal from these attachment injuries.
EFT is not an approach that will prevent conflict or disconnect in a relationship; however, through this work, you can find yourself able to tolerate hard moments with your partner with more grace. You can find yourself being able to speak more from your emotion vs. react from it. You can find yourself having empathy for your partner in moments that historically might have triggered upset.
If you are hoping to build greater connection and intimacy with your partner or just want to explore a disconnect in your relationship and are unsure where to go as a couple, contact me today.
I look forward to speaking with you about how I can support you and your partner in your growth.