How Emotionally Focused Therapy Helps the Emotionally Activated Partner Connect Differently in Their Relationship
Understanding Emotional Activation in Relationships
In every relationship, partners handle emotions in their own unique way. One partner may tend to withdraw or shut down when things get tense, while the other may pursue connection more intensely—seeking reassurance, talking things through, or expressing distress loudly. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we often refer to this second partner as the emotionally activated partner.
If you’re the partner who feels emotions deeply and urgently wants to fix things or feel close again, you’re not alone. Many couples who come to Denver couples therapy find themselves caught in a painful cycle where one partner reaches out, and the other pulls away. Over time, this pattern can leave both people feeling misunderstood and disconnected.
How EFT Helps the Emotionally Activated Partner
Emotionally Focused Therapy—a research-based approach developed by Dr. Sue Johnson—helps couples identify and change the emotional patterns that keep them stuck. EFT is particularly effective in helping the more emotionally activated partner connect in new, healthier ways.
Here’s how:
1.Creating Emotional Safety
In EFT, the therapist helps both partners slow down and create a sense of emotional safety. For the emotionally activated partner, this means it becomes possible to express deep feelings—like loneliness, fear, or longing—without being dismissed or overwhelmed.
Instead of reacting from panic or frustration, EFT helps you share what’s really happening inside:
“I get scared that you’re pulling away, and I need to know we’re okay.”
This kind of vulnerable expression invites closeness instead of conflict.
2. Recognizing the Cycle—Not the Enemy
EFT helps you and your partner see that neither of you is the problem—the negative cycle is. When you can name that cycle (“I pursue, you pull away”), it becomes something you can face together.
For the emotionally activated partner, this shift brings relief. You no longer have to fight to be heard—you can begin to understand how both of you get caught in the same dance of disconnection.
3.Learning to Regulate Emotional Intensity
EFT doesn’t ask you to stop feeling deeply. Instead, it helps you regulate those emotions so they don’t take over the conversation. With guidance, you’ll learn to slow down, recognize what you’re feeling underneath the anger or urgency, and share it in a way your partner can hear.
Over time, this new way of engaging allows your partner to stay emotionally present instead of retreating.
4. Building Secure Connection
As you learn to express your emotions differently, your partner learns to respond differently too. EFT fosters secure emotional bonding, helping you both feel seen, understood, and valued. For the emotionally activated partner, this often brings a deep sense of peace—knowing you can reach for your partner and they will reach back.
Why Couples Choose Emotionally Focused Therapy
Couples in Denver who seek therapy often want more than communication tools—they want to feel emotionally close again. EFT offers lasting change, not just surface-level solutions.
If you recognize yourself as the emotionally activated partner, EFT can help you connect to your emotions with compassion and clarity. Through this process, you’ll discover new ways to reach for your partner that build trust instead of tension.
Start Your Journey Toward Connection
If you and your partner are ready to break free from old patterns and build a deeper emotional bond, Emotionally Focused Therapy in Denver can help. Together, we can create a space where both partners feel seen, supported, and securely connected. Click HERE to contact Megan.